Wednesday, 30 November 2011

The delightfully predictable episode

Tuesday 29th November. It's time for the biggest awards ceremony in Britain! No, not the BAFTAs! Not the BRIT Awards! Not even the MOBOs! It's BBC Sports Personality Of The Year!!!! Seriously though, who gives a fuck? I can't even remember who won it last year. Didn't Zara Phillips win it one time? Let's just hope it actually goes ahead, because we wouldn't want all those BBC staff going on strike (see, I've cleverly introduced the themes of today's episode. I'm so clever).

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

How To Write Like The Beatles #1 & 2

The Beatles are often hailed as the greatest band of all time. Countless musicians count them amongst their influences, from Brian Setzer to Radiohead, their music defined, shaped and captured social attitudes in a way that modern music could not hope to achieve. But what of the actual songs? What was it that made them so good? This is an article for anyone who has ever tried to write a song. Understanding the nuances of what made these pop music legends so inspirational is a big aid in composing your own material. This article assumes that you have at least a rudimentary knowledge of music theory. If you don't, then I suggest you come back once you've done a bit of reading. You don't have to be Beethoven to understand this article, but writing any music without awareness of the theory underpinning it is generally ill-advised.

Muslamic ray guns (My Tram Experience episode)

Monday 28th November. Yep yep I suppose I have to talk about that racist woman on the tram in Croydon today, seeing as that is all anyone wants to talk about. What can you say? Some silly old girl was a bit rude to some people in a place and got into trouble. You might be able to tell that I can't be arsed today, does it show?

Monday, 28 November 2011

The speedy episode

Sunday 27th November. Rather fittingly, the BBC's Formula 1 coverage ended unexpectedly with a blackout due to technical failure with no apology. End of an era indeed. Only Jesus knows what's ahead for the sport, but as it's the end of the season there's room for one more paragraph of boring F1 chat. Then we get on to the cheery subject of DEATH.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Trundle Brundle bundle rumble

Saturday 26th November. And thus, the slow and painful death of my favourite sport on the BBC begins this weekend. The deal is done, the coverage is sorted, the players are being transferred, and from next season Sky start taking Formula 1 away from me piece by piece in a business deal that is against God and against nature.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Queen of our hearths

Friday 25th November. Oh no! The unstoppable TV double act of Adrian Chiles & Christine Bleakley is coming to an end on Daybreak by the end of the year! I'll miss them in the mornings (actually I won't, I don't watch Daybreak. Susanna Reid is fitter than her ITV rivals). They had so much potential as co-anchors, the bubbling sexual tension clearly evident between a greying, puffy faced man and a deceptively old dolly bird.

Friday, 25 November 2011

The joy of Amish transsexual sex millionaires

Thursday 24th November. It's been a bit of a dirty little week for this blog, hasn't it? I've had living dolls, spunk in Lady Gaga's hair and now I've got ts's too. I don't know what's come over me. Perhaps I've run out of actual material and have to resort to filthier and more degrading stuff to provide myself with five paragraphs (AND NOT A WORD SHORTER) of daily topical hijinks.

Thursday, 24 November 2011


Wednesday 23rd November. Got back into my regime of running today after a lengthy break, which was due to the fact that I suffered from a terrible bout of justdontgiveashititis. I'm not sure what it was that triggered my newfound motivation to get fit again. Was it the tiny but noticable jiggle of my nipple every time I sit down? Was it the two (YES TWO ALRIGHT) Frijj milkshakes I consumed yesterday? Am I just in such a deep state of depression that I want to kill myself by slowly sweating the life out of me? Probably all three, but mainly the second one.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Frijj is on special (again)

Tuesday 23rd November. My second bit of overly-nerdy Beatles songwank is up on Little Comments HERE. The first bit got a lot of good feedback so hopefully you can all enjoy the second one just as much. As if someone was watching over me as I blogged this weekend, when I was moaning about how much work I have to do, half of my modules suddenly finished without warning until 2012, leaving me with just 6 hours of actual class time in university per week.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011


Monday 21st November. The new week is here. The work piled up high, the pressure on me to deliver, hours of independent studying that needs to be done... What better time for Ultimate Marvel v Capcom 3 to plonk itself through my letterbox to devour ALL of my free time. Law, music, comedy? Pfff. You're lucky I pulled myself away from UMvC3 for enough time to type this, you ingrates.

Monday, 21 November 2011

I'm only sleeping

Sunday 20th November. Woah. What happened there? I pretty much just missed an entire day of my life. I managed to sleep through my 9am alarm, an 11am phonecall, and the biological forces of bladder and stomach conspiring against me. By that, I don't mean I pissed the bed. I mean I managed to hold it in until I was ready to pee ON MY OWN TERMS. I aint gettin bossed bout by no urine.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays...

Saturday 19th November. Saif al-Islam Gaddafi was captured in southern Libya today, and this whole conflict is starting to feel like it's coming to an end. Now we've killed off the main characters in it there isn't much left to do except leave the Libyans with a wartorn, governmentless nation and go back to building more Tescos everywhere.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

New & exciting! (aka Dead Space 2 episode)

Friday 18th November. Whilst all the cool kids are out popping E's and licking Tequila from each other's eye sockets, I decided to stay indoors tonight and complete Dead Space 2 on the Xbox. It has a novelty that I haven't seen in a while in gaming - two discs! Remember that, when games used to come on multiple discs on the PS1? Remember how that meant that the game was probably 50 hours long, maybe a Final Fantasy type RPG that would last you forever? Yeah, well Dead Space 2 took my 6 hours 37 minutes. Sigh.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Like a big pizza pie

Thursday 17th November. I've been so caught up in the Facebook girl madness and Lady Gaga's sperm hats this week that I forgot to tell you all that the first of my nerdy Beatles articles is up on Little Comments here. While you're at it read their review of my EP then go listen to it and get your credit card out and give me a million pounds so I can drop out of uni and eat cheetos and play fighting games all day THANKYOU.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Living doll

Wednesday 16th November. Did some of that comedy tonight, but it was far and away the oddest bit of work I've ever done involving a stage. You see, the audience was made up almost entirely of OAPs. Loads of them, just scattered about this club in the middle of Leicester in varying states of disrepair. They were actually quite a good crowd though, laughed along nicely. At first when they saw how young I was they were a bit suspicious, but once they realised I wasn't doing any material about things the yoot like (like, I dunno, Facebook and Take That) they came round.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?

Tuesday 15th November. As if to prove the rampant idiocy of the public, yesterday's article on Sharon O'Brien got over 200 views in a few hours. Some of the searches that led them to the post included; "is Sharon O'Brien dead?", "Sharon O'Brien naked stripping", and "Sharon O'Brien sex tape".

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Sharon O'Brien!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday 14th November. Faith in humanity is something of a finite resource. There's only so much of it I can store, and every day a little bit gets used up as I see rampant idiocy all around me. It is my responsibility to inform you that the price of faith in humanity will skyrocket tonight, as an act of stupidity so heinous has occurred it has not just polluted the Gulf of Mexico, it's downright bent it over and fucked it in the arse.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Wah wah

Sunday 13th November. Remembrance Sunday was not spent remembering the war dead for me, but for remembering a couple of other things. I've got to remember a load of law stuff for work next week, I've go to remember some jokes for doing that comedy, and I remembered how much of a gigantic badass George Harrison was thanks to the BBC showing the new Scorsese documentary about his life.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Av a banarna

Saturday 13th November. Leicester city centre was alive today with all the multicultural character I have come to expect from it. As you approach the town from the south, you first hear the smell of fruit, followed by a bombardment of shouts and heckles from cockney market vendors. It is not for science to measure or for religion to guess why there are cockneys in Leicester, but there are.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Dwarf shortage...

Friday 11th November. So, on an emotional and historic day, most of the internet was concerned not with remembering the war dead, but with the fact that THE DATE IS 11/11/11 OMG. WOW. I care SO MUCH. I haven't picked up a copy of The Sun this morning but I bet my life savings there's an article in there somewhere about a baby born at 11:11 11/11/11. That's such spooky luck! It's almost like there's one baby born every minute. Why is it special? Oh well done, little baby, but were you born on 11 milliseconds past 11 seconds past 11 minutes past 11 hours? No? Then FUCK OFF.

Friday, 11 November 2011

Eaagh, eaagh! Katanga!

Thursday 10th November. Joy to the nerds, your lord has come. Literally come, all over your disc drive. Yes, this week whilst all the cool kids are not having sex and playing Call Of Duty, the uncool kids are not having sex and playing Skyrim, a game so unashamedly nerdy that I'm surprised it doesn't come packaged with a home euthanasia kit for those feeling particularly low in self-esteem.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Alone again, uncharitably

Wednesday 9th December. I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. I lay there, tossing and turning until quarter to three in the morning, when all of a sudden a strange compulsion overtook me. I don't know whether it was stress, sleep deprivation or just plain mentalism, but I decided that I wanted to - nay, I needed to build a base.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Brown sugar

Tuesday 8th November. So some prick got kicked off The X Factor. How interesting. What baffles me is how a prick can get kicked off a show where the biggest prick wins. Surely the prick should have won? I suppose it gets to a point where the prick carries such a prickish reputation that it begins to drag the (already low) reputation of the show down.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Review Time?? #69: COD: Modern Warfare 3

Monday 7th November. So, the new Call Of Duty game is out. Well duh, it's November init? But wait, Ashley! You said this was a review! Yes, reader, yes it is, because I have played Modern Warfare 3 a fair bit and so I am able to exclusively give you one of the first reviews on the internet. Come in, grab a chair, make yourself comfortable, because I'm going to review MW3 now!!!!

Monday, 7 November 2011

Gigantic boobs women in bed together

Sunday 6th November. So I've been looking at those web traffic stats again, and they're bloody clever. They can measure who is looking, from where, at what. They can also measure what searches led people to this blog. Funny how my blog post "BIG TITS (aka deceptively deep episode)" has a disproportionately large amount of views, and that the top searches leading to my blog are "adriana lima and miranda kerr together", "gigantic tits" and "big tits ep".

Sunday, 6 November 2011

1.21 Gigawatts!!

Saturday 5th November. Remember remember the fifth of November. Not because of gunpowder, treason or plot, because Doc Brown invented time travel. No really, check it. That's a way bigger event that some dude with a moustache nearly blowing up some people. Of course, the BBC couldn't resist giving in to hack and putting V For Vendetta on television. It's not a bad film, and I enjoyed Stephen Fry playing Stephen Fry. It makes it all the more satisfying when Stephen Fry gets bludgeoned to death.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Nyum nyum nyum

Friday 4th November. You'd think that being the Prime Minister of a successful blog (OVER 2000 VIEWS LOL) would mean that I'm well up to date with my stats and figures. I've been doing this EVERY FUCKING DAY for two months now, and I only just discovered how to look at my traffic stats. Some really odd figures on there. Like how I have 5 views from Afghanistan. Was my website in Osama's favourites? Will I be getting my door kicked in by the CIA at some point in the future? I don't mind if they do just as long as they let me continue to update this blog from Guantanamo. I haven't missed a day yet and I'm not going to start just because some bloody President regards me as a threat to national security.

Friday, 4 November 2011

The spunky little episode

Thursday 3rd November. You know that person in school, the one that you couldn't tell whether she was a little kooky or actually a genuine mental? Imagine if that person got a job in a national newspaper. Tada! You've got Liz Jones! I really don't know how to feel about our Liz. Part of me hates her with every fibre of my being for being a shit-peddling, sexist little attention whore, but there's another part of me that admires the trolling she does.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Grand Theft Corrupt The Yoof V Special

Wednesday 2nd October. Are you under the age of 35? Chances are that you probably own a games console. For all the old gits that don't play vidyagaems allow me to enlighten you. Yesterday the teaser trailer for Grand Theft Auto V was released. If you don't already understand how big an event for gaming that is, then you never will. This is bigger than the Cloverfield monster, Mega Shark, and Richard off Pointless put together.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Bridge over kettled slaughter

Tuesday 1st November. Pinch, punch. Ha! I don't care if you had pinch punch injection for life, and I didn't do it coz it's the start of a new month anyway, I did it coz I think you're a prick. HAAAAA. Sorry, I'm just in a bit of a bad mood today because I have GONE THROUGH ABJECT POVERTY AND DESPAIR.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

No ghosts in this one (aka religion episode REDUX)

Monday 31st October. Sort of run out of stuff to say about Halloween. Looking back, I should have saved all the material on it I've used in the last few days and had a SCARY SPECIAL EPISODE. So if you are that desperate to celebrate Halloween just pretend this is a bit of a spooky one today. Ooo, ghosts. Turn off the light and put a torch on your chin. Then put it under your bollocks to see if you can make Abbott and Costello (all the best colloquialisms for testicles are old double acts) look ominous.